PAS 2

PARENT ALIENATION SYNDROME (continued)
BY STAN HAYWARD

reports sent to him by proving he has joint custody, but has had no further access.

As grandparents we have continued to write, send small presents at Christmas and birthdays but have no response whatsoever. We have sent all mail by recorded delivery and have kept the receipts to show to the children when they are old enough to understand that they have been kept apart from their natural father and paternal grandparents. There are over 160 of these for the past four years.

CASE 13.
My wife and I have been separated for 6 years. My son has been livingwith me for the past three years. Over the last 5 months my wife has been making remarks as "M. doesn't want to visit Birmingham". M., my daughter is nine and lives with her mother in Nottingham. I think she is content to do so but when Iam on my own with M. she does ask if she can stay with me in Birmingham.

I learnt from my son that my wife spends a lot of time running me down in front of M. and suggesting to her that once monthly access should be reduced to once every two months and no holidays.

CASE 14.
(from a grandmother)
I am writing in response to your request for information from anyone who has suffered from 'Parental Alienation'. We certainly have. Parental Alienation exactly describes our position as regard our eldest grandchild.
After our son and ex-daughter-in-law's divorce our son fought for custody of his little daughter, which we fully supported. The mother was not a very stable person and an unsatisfactory mother.

However after framing our son for alleged sexual abuse against his barely 3 year old daughter and taking the matter to court with the aid of Social Services she was awarded custody.
(Our local Social Services were completely biassed on the mother's side from the outset and failed to make a thorough investigation into the case despite our having proved the mother to be an utter liar).

Our son and ourselves were granted access rights by order of the court, and limited supervised access did take place for a few years but this eventually broke down, mainly because of the unnaturalness of it, and insensitive approach of the Social workers.

Our son did remarry and has 2 other children - a boy of 5 and a girl of 4.

All three children used to play so happily together during access periods, but that was 3 whole sad years ago. Our little grandson was heartbroken for quite sometime after the access breakdown. In fact we adults still are - fortunately children eventually forget.

Basically blaming the Social Services we put out a Complaints procedure against them, which reached stage 3. The investigating panel were very sympathetic towards us and told the Local Authority they must resolve the matter back in court. Unfortunately the Local authority left it far too late and permission for another court hearing was refused them. Only ourselves or our son would be allowed to do so.

Since our granddaughter who is now 10 years of age, refuses to see any of us, or even accept letters or presents, obviously by the cruel instigation and alienation of the mother, we have refrained from doing so - acting upon the advice from our solicitors, who state it would be a 'hopeless' situation and a complete waste of money.

CASE 15.
(from a grandmother)

I have read 'Alienation within the family' in this months newsletter. You might like to get in touch either with us, the grandparents or our son. since the divorce about 8 years ago his ex-wife has totally alienated the children from the whole family and we have had no contact with them for years, in spite of numerous court orders and conciliation efforts. The children are now 11 and 13 and have been completely cut off from half their family. Please write if you would like to know more.

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CASE 16.
I left my ex-wife and four children in 1987 to commence a new relationship with my present girlfriend. My ex-wife immediately sued for divorce. Despite my having a wonderfully open and loving relationship with each of my children during my marriage, my relationship with my daughters started to deteriorate significantly after I left home, and I believe that theirminds were poisoned against me. Indeed for the first year my ex-wife categorically refused to allow the children to have staying access with me and wouldn't permit them to meet my new girlfriend.

The Family court welfare service were instrumental in bringing about a reconciliation and for two years I enjoyed regular access with all my children included two wonderful holidays with them and my girl friend.

My ex-wife never appeared to be comfortable with this and eventually one by one the girls stopped seeing me until by 1991 they refused to have any contact with me at all.

They wouldn't speak to me on the phone, they never answered my letters and the ran away from me when I visited their house. During that time my son remained in contact and I continued to have regular staying access visits on alternate weekends and holidays. In October 1992 I was hit with the bombshell that my ex-wife intended to emigrate with the children to New Zealand (she was by this time living with a New Zealander) I initially contested her application through the court on the grounds that the children were being denied a loving relationship with their father through the mothers efforts to alienate them from me.

The court welfare service was again involved and interviewed the children independently but this time they had become so badly alienated that they expressed quite openly a desire to go and live in New Zealand and in the face of this I withdrew my opposition providing certain safeguards could be agreed upon. These measures were agreed to and formed the basis of an

Undertaking which my ex-wife entered into with the court in March of this year. Despite these safeguards my worst fears were realised when my ex-wife failed to comply with these terms which resulted in my going out to New Zealand in September of this year and tracking down the family and spending two very happy weeks with my son.

I have recently learned that the family have moved house again and I have effectively lost touch with them. It is quite evident to me that my ex-wife has no intention of complying with the terms f the Undertaking to the courtand her game plan seems to be to exclude me completely from her own and their lives and to act as if I had never existed in the first place . I am effectively back to square one.

I am about to make contact with the lawyers in NZ with a view to getting the UK Order registered with the NZ courts in an attempt to persuade my ex-wife the game for the benefit of the children.

In summary I consider that my ex-wife has been active in alienating my children away from me and that from her point of view is was probably a necessary precursor to her plans to emigrate with them to New Zealand. What disappoints and Infuriates me is that in spite of my agreement to her plans and of my openly expressed desire for continuing contact as demonstrated by my journey to New Zealand, she is continuing the alienation from a distance of 12,000 miles.

CASE 17.
In 1988 I separated from the then wife of 10 years. We had three children. P. the eldest boy from her first marriage was 20 years old. J. from her second marriage was 11 years old, and D. was my natural son and was 8 years old. I treated all the children as my own and J. knew me as her natural father because she had been a baby when we met, so she only knew me because her natural father did not keep in touch with her.

The reason I left in 1988 was because I had strong suspicions that my then wife was seeing the best friend of her son who was only 19 years old. She was 40. My suspicions were proved correct that Christmas when he moved in with them and the following year they were married. From the time that I left in 1988 up to October 1990 I had regular contact with J. and D. and once I had my own flat in the 1990 they would stay with me every weekend from Saturday a.m to Sunday night. I was then living with my girlfriend (now wife) and the four of us got on very well and had a fine time together.

When it was time for them to go they always say that they wanted to go later or could they stay longer. I also took them to Pontins for a week in 1989 and my girlfriend and I had them for a week in Autumn in 1990.

As you can see things were going really well until one weekend in October 1990 there a mix up over arrangements for the children, and when my girl friend and I went to the house to collect them my ex-wife argued with us and subsequently told us to clear off and we couldn't have the children.

We went back two weeks later when it was my turn to have them again and we were met at the front door by my ex-wife, her husband and my two children lined up in front of them. The children were told in turn to say their piece which they did parrot fashion, and what they said was that they have never been happy visiting me, I don't listen to them and they never want to see me again.

This has been the case to date, whatever lies my ex-wife used to poison their minds must have put the fear of God in them because I have glimpsed both J. and D. only once on separate occasions. D. was on his bike and when he saw me he went indoors, and J. was with a boy and when she saw me she ran off screaming at the boy to come with her shouting "we told you what he was like".

My ex-wife's vast experience of the divorce courts means that she knows how to successfully play the system. I believe that she always had the intention of pushing me out of my children's lives once she would be unable to give her new husband children, thus leaving my kids free to him for love and understanding and to fill my role. She knows that the way to convince the courts that I shouldn't be around is though the children, and being a very devious and manipulative person, has managed to guide them through their welfare report convincingly to the extent that the welfare officer even states in his report that he felt the children were greatly influence by their mother. Her constant references to the children's wishes being 'not to see me' in the affidavits and in the court have led to my efforts to regain contact through the court to be fruitless.

My last effort at County Court ended up in the Judges chambers initially where I was told by a female judge that because of the evidence against me including letter of rejection from the children, a formal hearing would requirethe circuit Judge, which would be hideously experience to me, and in her vast experience of these type of cases, my chance of any sort of result were virtuallynon-existent.

The only thing I came out of court with that day was the promise from my ex-wife that she would write and keep me informed of the children's well being.

That was over 7 months ago and I have received nothing yet.

I have questioned her in writing of this but the reply I got was the children did not want me written to, it disturbs them. I think what hurts the most is that, the way that something that was so good can turn bad so quickly, and the confusion this must be causing in my children's minds. I know they have got happy memories of me with them when married to their mother and afterwards for two years when I left, so want must be artificially implanted in the to make the hostile towards me or if the day come or may have come when they do want see me again, how do they approach the mother who's feelings toward me are so bitter and strong to seem contact once more. I feel gravely let down by the system.

CASE 18.
My girls are aged 8 and 10. I had a normal happy relationship with them before I left home 18 months ago. Initially contact was made difficult by the mother (she would only permit contact if she was present). For the last 9 months I have been denied access altogether. Initially she argued that our child had eczema exacerbated by my visits (the child did have eczema up to the age of 3 but this is now virtually non-existent). In the July hearing she claimed that children did not wish to see me. The Judge ordered a Psychiatrist report. A rehearing in 6 months and contact in the interim if both parties agree (she hasn't).

Psychiatrist report based on interviews with me, the mother, and each child in essence states: Mother is clinically neurotic, children undoubtedly been influenced against me by the mother. I'm sane, balanced and cooperative, the children would derive considerable benefit from seeing me. Nevertheless less he advises contact with both children on the grounds that upset to the mother might cause adverse reaction to eczematous child.

CWO believes that for children to now me will cause them a great deal of upset. I agree that some upset will be caused but this is outweighed in my view of the benefits of seeing me, not least of which will be from helping them cope with living with a neurotic mother.

CASE 19.
I separated from my wife in 1990 following 5 years of gradually worsening marital disharmony. The first year of separation passed reasonably smoothly.

I found a flat about a mile from the family home, made generous and regular voluntary maintenance payments fro the outset (far in excess of CSA levels) and had regular contact with the children. " daughters then aged 5 and 7. seeing them every weekend and one day during the week.

The children were obviously upset by the break-up, but I felt that towards the end of the year much of the emotional damage had been repaired and my relations with them was regaining stability. I felt that I had a very close relationship with both of them.

About June 1991 my wife's attitude changed abruptly and she stated hat I could no longer see the children. The change was prompted by a marriage guidance session which the counsellor gently suggested that the marital difficulties may have been triggered in part by her own actions. She could not accept this and refused to return for the further sessions, lodging a complaint against the counsellor. She seem to have decided at this point that the marriage was definitely over and from that time worked to undermine and eventually destroy my relation with the children.

About a month after the upset with the counsellor and following the first difficulties experience over contact, my younger daughter together with the other members of her class was reported molested in the classroom by a teacher. Immediately after the incident with the teacher my wife began writing letters to me suggesting or alleging that my behaviour towards the children was 'inappropriate'. I initially ignored these, but was obviously concerned about the purpose and the continuing difficulties with contact which although reinstated was now uncertain and vulnerable to sudden changes of plan by my wife. I managed to persuade her to attend meetings with another counsellor in an effort to resolve this and to negotiate regular contact including weekends.

These meetings occurred from September 1991 but were fruitless and merely offered her an opportunity to express her suggestions about inappropriate behaviour, giving justification for exerting control over access arrangements. No concerns had been voiced by the children. they still responded positively towards me, although they were evidently confused about the purpose of all the meetings which they were attending.

Following the incident with the teacher, my wife had my daughter referred her doctor to a psychiatrist for therapy. I subsequently learned about 6 months later when I was no longer able to see my daughters that in making the referral my wife had at the time expressed concerns regarding myself. These therapy sessions began in Autumn 1991, although I was not involved in these and wasn't informed about their nature despite repeated requests to my wife. The girls never spoke about the sessions when I met them and I did not ask.

In 1992, after I had taken the girls to stay with my parents during the Christmas break (after extensive negotiations and disappointments) my wife stopped contact altogether and had taken the children out when I called at the usual times to collect them. I can see in retrospect that she had already do much by this time to undermine my relationship with them.

At about this time my younger daughter began to echo in therapy sessions the fears expressed by her mother beginning 6 months previously from June 1991, and made mainly vague but nevertheless less untruthful allegations a relatively minor nature) against me. The allegations involved for example 'touching her bottom in the swimming pool' etc.

When contact was finally stopped in 1992, I immediately applied to the court for contact. Although no allegations were repeated by my daughter in 'disclosure interview' which was set up, the statements made in therapy were deemed sufficient justification to deny contact thereby causing a significant and traumatic break of a duration never previously experienced by the children. As soon as April 1992 both children were saying that they no longer wanted to see me and that they reportedly now 'hate' me.

Following this, one supervised access was arranged, but this was stilted and difficult. I have had no contact since then in spite of many meetings with various agencies involved, and in April 1993 I finally withdrew my contact application on the advice of my solicitor. Any letters which I have sent to the children are now returned unopened. I fear that the relationship has been successfully destroyed by my wife, and feel that the only hope lies in waiting until the children mature.

In the meantime both the children and myself are deprived of the possibility of a normal parental relationship during their formative years.

CASE 20.
When I had left home in 1993 and used to go and visit them (the children) on a Sunday my then wife would say to me "They don't want to see you".
She refused to let them leave the house with me, and if I tried to talk to them about the situation and to reassure them and tell them that I still loved them, the following week when I went to the house she would say to me, "How dare you upset them", this continued for some time, to the point where I would go to the house and the children would run away from me upstairs. I would follow them and after twenty minutes of the children would start relating to me again as if I had just popped out to the shops.

I started to find this situation artificial and unreal so I decided to apply for a Contact order and released a fresh can of worms. The statement submitted to the court by my former wife was untrue in parts and made complaints that my sons were taken to their grandparents against their wishes and that because of this were reluctant to go out with me and had by months later come to actively dislike me. She was not prepared to force them to embark on outings with me as I had remarried on of their friends mothers. These and other allegations ran to some ten pages of reasons why I should not have contact.

An interim report by a Family CWO was prepared and the children were invited to give their views to her. Undoubtedly they had been coached in the language of the replies by my former wife and the sad fact is that under the new Children Act the wishes of the children are taken into account, without benefit of counselling given to them to explore their feelings. On the basis of the CWO's report the Judge intimated to me that I would not get a Contact order to see the children . I withdrew the application for the order and now have not seen the children for some four weeks.

When I call at the former house I am not allowed in, and letters are passed through the window to me. I had thought that my former wife was unique in her reaction to me over the matter of seeing the children, and I could not put into words what had happened to me, thinking that other parents would think "Oh yes, there's no smoke without fire". I shall now vocally point out to other parents that I know the reason why my former wife has stopped me seeing the children and try to explains the Parental Alienation Syndrome to them.

CASE 21.
Although I have not completely lost contact with my children, PAS has certainly been used and my daughters, aged 14 and 12 years are being alienated from me.

My wife and I have been legally separated since 1983 after a four and a half year marriage. During the earlier years after separate I saw the children approximately one a fortnight, but it was already becoming more difficult to arrange and consequently I consulted a solicitor in 1985.

It was agreed that I should have the girls for half their nineteen week holiday, but the Agreement was never singed and in fact the children spent 5 weeks in 1988, 6 weeks in 1989 and only 4 week with me in 1990. The dates and travel arrangements were constantly disrupted.

My wife and I then had four meetings with a member of the Family Mediators Association during 1990, but by January 1991 the mediator could help no further because my wife reneged on the points which had previously been agreed.

It was the firsts instance of my daughter being used, as my wife produced a letter written by my eldest daughter saying that she did not want to spend more than 3 weeks of the 9 week summer holiday with me. My solicitor advised me to apply for a Defined Access Order from the court.

The preparation of affidavits dragged on throughout 1991 and my wife's solicitor persuaded a judge to appoint a welfare officer to interview the girls (on the grounds that they did not receive proper care and attention whilst they were with me and my partner).In spite of daily telephone calls from their mother whilst the welfare officer was visiting the children in Spain, the children told him that they were quite happy to spend 8 weeks a year with me.

As the day of the court hearing approached, my wife started actively use and influence the girls to be on her side. My daughter blamed me fore the way their mother behaved at home - because I was taking mummy to court. They told me that I would "win~ in court and I heard the eldest girl secretly telling my wife where we were staying so that a subpoena could be served on me that following day.

The case was heard in November 1991 and I was awarded 8 weeks defined access per annum. It cost me 25,000 and my wife 15,000 in legal fees. My wife's reaction was to have here phone calls intercepted so I could not even speak to the girls, put them in boarding school and fly off to her sister abroad.
I had no idea where the children were and the headmistress of the school refused to allow me to speak to my daughters when I eventually found their whereabouts.
The girls were confused and becoming more alienated from me as though all the troubles and problems were caused by having such an obstinate father.

The disruption over dates and travel continued and the children have become less neutral with every visit. They are under terrible pressure as they live with their mother, naturally they don't want to upset her. the younger girl is often sick on the plane home, but never on the way out. If they enjoy themselves too much with me the are being disloyal to their mother. My elder daughter explained the terrible dilemma with which she id faced and said she her children will never had to suffer as she has.

The most recent examples of PAS are Christmas and Easter 1984. My wife is taking the girls to visit their cousin abroad for Christmas and I suggested that I postpone my time with the girls this holiday and make it up at Easter or Summer as two holidays abroad in four weeks seemed excessive. The children declined my suggestion for no logical reason - they can't explain why.

My younger daughter refused to come to join me on our boat in the Caribbean at Easter 1994. She gave her reason as having been there once last winter and the eight hour flight. My elder daughter refused to come alone to the West Indies and burst into uncontrolled sobbing when I pressed her for a reason. She realise the pressure under which she would have to live between October and next Easter. So I agreed to forego Christmas and Easter with my daughter, hopefully I shall see them in the summer holiday.

Prior to the court case it probably satisfied my wife's ill-will by not letting se see the children as mush as I wished, but once the court case started she involved the children against me whenever possible. Although I contribute 40,000 a year toward the upkeep and education of my two daughters, the children have been persuaded that they mother is badly off and I am to blame. The girls and I have enjoyed a good relationship until recently (as observed and reported by the chief Welfare officer), but I am unwilling to fight their mother over access any more if they can no longer remain neutral and I cannot stand seeing the emotional strain and anxiety this causes them. Winning the case has in effect lost me my daughters.

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SUMMARY (HOPE).

1. Fathers who can stay in contact with their children somehow or other will almost certainly gain regular access to them again.

2. Fathers who can retain some form of communication with the mother will probably regain access.

3. Fathers who have some form of network, family, neighbours, friends, etc., who can keep in contact with the child or mother will probably regain access.

4. Fathers who rely on the court system to help them will certainly be disappointed.

This may seem an extreme action, but look at who is actually involved in your case.

1. Your Solicitor.
He will certainly have your best interests at heart, but it is still work for him whether he wins or loses.

2. The Court Welfare Officer.
She will doing at least one case a week. At most she will only have about three hours to discuss your case, and probably two days to write it up. It is likely that her decision will be made on her personal reaction to those involved rather than on the evidence. Court reports are notorious for being full of mistakes, misinterpretations, and omissions.

Also, even though CWO may be well-intended, sympathetic, and knowledgeable, in the end they carry no weight in court. The report may be completely ignored by the court. This hardly motivates the CWO to produce much more than an outline of the case. Apart from this, most CWO's take on the job as a second career. Many have very little experience or training in the area of child welfare. If they are women, then it is likely they have more experience at being mothers than being court officers. This is often reflected in their assessments. It is a very common experience for fathers to have the CWO tell him how well he can cope with his children, only to find the court report stating the very opposite.

A good CWO is probably your best friend. If they like you, and believe you have a good case they will give you better unbiased advice than anyone else. It is a pity that they have little power to help in a more practical way.

3. The Magistrate.
Family law magistrates are predominantly women, and likely to be mothers. Though well intended, they may well feel that what is good for the mother is good for the child. This is not malice on the part of the magistrates. A typical magistrate may well have been a legal secretary for thirty years prior to becoming a magistrate.
They have a background in legal technicalities, but not years of training that allow the broad interpretations of the law to be applied. Many apply the law, in the sense that a traffic warden applies the Highway code.
In all, you are better off if you can avoid having your case tried in a Magistrates court.

4. The Judge.
At County Court level you will get a mixture of Judges. The worst are those who feel it is beneath them to deal with the 'litigant in person'. It is well known that some Judges will always turn down a father who presents his own case. Others are simply out of touch with what is going on, or use the court for their own performance. Because the court is what it is, one cannot act and say as one would in other circumstances, but a just look through a book of aphorisms relating to Law and Judges will show that they haven't changed all that much over the ages.

Of course, a good Judge is one who can help. But as the above letters show, the Judges insistence that a mother obeys the court order is no guarantee that she will.

5. The Mother's solicitor.
He/she is your worst enemy. It is to his benefit if he can 'win' - by which we mean take your children away from you, or at least keep the matter going for years. The mothers solicitor represents the mother, not the child.

6. The Child Psychiatrist.
These generally agree the problem is between the parents and not the father and child. Most will advise mediation. Most mothers refuse.

Most Judges will not insist on counselling between the parents, though in the USA this is now a common approach and a successful one. Most child Psychiatrists and Psychologists agree that the courts are a waste of time in resolving family problems.

IS THERE HOPE?
'Parental Alienation' is emotional child abuse. The Health department has no clear definition of what 'emotional abuse' is. This means that a 'emotional child abuse' is rarely - if ever - acted upon. It is only acted upon as an extension of Neglect, Physical, or Sexual Abuse when investigated by Social Services.

For the courts to accept 'emotional abuse' as evidence would require calling in Social Services. That is expensive and time consuming, so courts avoid it if possible, in spite of the evidence.

Also, the standard answer from the Lord Chancellor's department is that 'It would not be in the child's best interests if the mother was sent to jail for disobeying a court order'. This of course, implies that it is in the child's best interest to lose it's father forever.

In spite of that, the Criminal court will, and have sent several single-parent mothers to jail for leaving their children at home alone. They do so on the basis of the child being 'emotionally abused', but in terms of neglect.

IF YOU CANNOT GO TO THE COURTS, WHAT DO YOU DO?
In practice you cannot avoid the courts totally, but they should be used as a last resort.

If you consider your situation in terms of war then there are three possible outcomes:

1. One side wins.
2. Neither side wins or can win, but they stay in a state of hostility and fight a war of attrition.
3. Peace is negotiated. The problem here is that if the mother has been given custody she has no reason to negotiate. But there are two cases where she might.

a. If she wants something from you.

It is obvious if she wants money, property, etc. This is common enough, but she may want something that is not obvious, and she is not prepared to tell you. It could be a change in attitude towards her. The above list of 'Why mothers want to get rid of the father' will offer some clues on this.

b. If it becomes too much of a problem.

This is where the courts can be useful. The nature of the system means that everything takes longer than it should. It will generally be inefficient - losing papers, adjourning hearings, sending the wrong forms, etc. This overall bumbling can be put to good use. If you have already lost your children, and effectively have nothing more to lose, then you can continually make new applications, query everything that comes along, send letters to her solicitor, demand ongoing information, etc. By keeping the issue going the mother will realise that you are not going to abandon your children. She may well feel that it is not worth the trouble, and eventually ease up on restrictions.

Also remember that her life is not plain sailing. She will have problems. She or the children might be ill, and you are the only person around who can help. If you make it clear in all you correspondence that you are open to putting the past in the past, then chance may well favour you.

THE LAST WORD
Tens of thousands of fathers lose their children every year. Those (most) that want to keep up meaningful relationships with their children fight an uphill battle due to inbuilt bias in the legal system, lethargy by Family support systems, confusion and ill-defined policies by government authorities.

This is offset by the fact that the media is increasingly highlighting the problems of broken families. The social problems that spin-off from broken families results in cost to the government, and indirectly, concern to solve those problems.

Fatherless families are now a political problem as well. Most of all, the increasing use of communications among FNF members, and allying ourselves with similar groups of both fathers and mothers separated from their children is now paying off. The recognition of PAS officially would in itself effectively block a major loophole in the law, with the subsequent benefits for children. This is the aim of FNF.

------- Stan Hayward

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